You started to buy baby books, pick out names, look at cribs and even
spread your good news – you were expecting. But you were not
expecting to lose that life that barely had a beginning. Yet 1 in 3
pregnancies end before the baby is able to live outside the woman’s
body. Even more women go through the loss of pregnancy earlier, within
weeks after conception – many without knowing they were pregnant.
Reasons for pregnancy loss, including stillbirths and miscarriages,
are not always clear.
What helps most people cope with a loss
through miscarriage, is knowing that women have a 70% to 80% chance
of carrying their next pregnancy to term.
Saying goodbye
Grief is what you go through to re-adjust your life to a loss.
Many parents grieve about what the baby “could” have
been like. But they can move on. And it takes time.
Women who become pregnant within 6 months of losing a baby can have
a harder time with their grief. It may be natural to want to be pregnant
again, but it takes time to deal with your feelings. Just as the
excitement of pregnancy can be different for men and women, so can
the reaction to the loss of the pregnancy. For some men the loss
of a pregnancy can be especially difficult if the woman gets all
the sympathy and support. Women might have more chances to share
their feelings of sadness and loss than men do. How we work through
our feelings of loss is personal. Both partners need to be supportive
and try to understand how the other is feeling and how their grieving
can differ.
Feelings about pregnancy loss range from sadness, emptiness and loss
of hope, to anger and blame. Though there is no clear medical reason
to explain many pregnancy losses, parents may feel anxious and direct
or accept blame for the event.
Second chances
Being ready for another pregnancy depends on many things – your
health, your emotional recovery, you relationship and other issues.
Both men and women can handle the fear and anxiety from pregnancy
loss better as they learn and share more.
Whether pregnancy loss is from miscarriage or stillbirth, and whether
it happened a long time ago or recently, both men and women need
to deal with their feelings. They need to know when they are ready
to move on – to get pregnant again, if at all. Answers are
not always simple. Think about what is best for both of you. There
is no right or wrong time to get pregnant again. Every couple is
different.
Compare answers and see how “together” you are on your
feelings.
Feelings of sadness are normal. Sometimes depression can occur. If you are noticing
changes in your normal activities – eating, sleeping, sex, use of alcohol
or drugs, or in your relationships or work, seek help. This is a time to take
good care of yourself.
Grief is one of the hardest topics to talk about – especially as it relates
to the loss of a baby. It is the loss many of us least expect and may be least
prepared for. Talking to other women, family and friends, about their experiences
with pregnancy loss may help you work through your grief. Remember you do not
have to feel alone.
For help close to home, contact:
Perinatal Bereavement Services: www.pbso.ca or
1-888-301-PBSO (7276)
